


risk it all (for you)

by clawsnbeak



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: (but very mild), Boys Kissing, Fake/Pretend Relationship, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, Friends to Lovers, Gay Slurs but by an original character, Happy Ending, Homophobic Language, Jealous Ronan Lynch, Jealousy, Kissing, M/M, Making Out, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Pining, Sleepy Cuddles, Slurs, Violence, teen and up for ronan swearing but it might change to mature/explicit as i continue to write
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-11
Updated: 2019-07-22
Packaged: 2020-04-24 20:45:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19181068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clawsnbeak/pseuds/clawsnbeak
Summary: “Why are you defending him anyway, Lynch?” Preston asked with a condescending smirk grazing his beat up face. “Are you a faggot yourself?"“So what if I am?”When Aglionby's only openly gay student is beaten up by a homophobic asshole, Ronan and Adam jump in to intervene, only to find themselves in a fake relationship they need to keep up.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a work in progress but I will try to update every few days! As mentioned, the rating might change, depending on whether I am capable of writing smut lmao. 
> 
> TW: mild violence, swearing, homophobic slurs (not by the main characters)

For a split second, Adam wondered if there would ever be a day that Ronan didn’t fight somebody. If there ever would be, then today is definitely not that day.  
As Adam ran closer, he could make out Ronan’s tense form, hauling a startled Preston Windsor by the shirt and slamming him against the nearby wall. A sickening crack sounded, that Adam recognised as a broken bone and watched him crumple to the ground.

“What the fuck, Lynch?”

Normally Adam wasn’t one to intervene, that was Gansey’s job, but Gansey was busy doing his presidential stuff and Ronan was one fight away from expulsion.

Ronan’s fist, already halfway raised, stopped in mid-air. He didn’t pull back but it was already more than Adam expected. When Ronan got into a fight, it was almost impossible to pull Ronan back. He often looked like a man possessed, only sated when it was sure he had won. It never scared Adam, though. Ronan wouldn’t hurt him, which was why he felt confident enough to step closer and touch Ronan's shoulder.

“Is this really necessary?” Adam asked.

“He nearly beat him up,” Ronan said with a sneer, still not taking his eyes off Preston who was bleeding heavily from his nose, down on his pristine white shirt.

‘Him’, in this case, was Theodore Montgomery, who was looking back and forth between the boys as if he was unsure whether he should run or stay. Theodore was also known as the only openly gay kid in Aglionby. With money came a lot of prejudice from the others, apparently. He didn’t have it easy in Aglionby, Adam remembered. He was often pushed into lockers, sneered or laughed at in the hallways, but nothing quite this bad had happened to him. His right eye was already starting to look blue and he stood with a slight slouch to favour his left leg. Adam felt a sudden rush of heat, blind, hot anger that someone would do this. He couldn’t even think about what Ronan must feel right now.

They never talked about it. Ronan probably being not as heterosexual as people might perceive him to be. Adam caught the looks he gave him sometimes, but he wasn’t ready yet to figure out what they meant and what they meant to him. It was easier to ignore them, making his homework instead of looking back at Ronan lounging on the floor next to his bed with headphones on and a curious glance in his eyes. It was easier to work until he was bone-tired and didn’t have to think about anything anymore.

Adam understood the anger, the pain Ronan must feel to see someone getting beat up for who they are. For who he is himself. However, Gansey will murder him if he didn’t stop him from getting kicked out of school.

“Why are you defending him anyway, Lynch?” Preston asked with a condescending smirk grazing his beat up face. “Are you a faggot yourself?”

“So what if I am?”

Adam froze and watched Ronan do the same. It hadn’t meant to slip out, but Ronan didn’t back down, just kept glaring at the homophobic shit with cold eyes.

Preston actually began to laugh, not one bit of self-preservation in his body. “I knew you and Gansey were fucking.”  
Ronan only glared harder. “Leave Gansey out of this, asshole. He has nothing to do with it,” he spoke through gritted teeth. Adam was momentarily taken back to Kavinsky calling Ronan Gansey’s guard dog.

“Hmm, then who-“

“Me.”

All three of the boys turned to look at Adam. Theodore, looking shocked but pleased, Preston’s smirking unpleasantly as if he had already thought about multiple ways to make Adam’s life miserable for this fake confession alone.  
Adam could barely look at Ronan.  
When he quickly glanced over, disbelief and shock pulled at his features and his eyes were unreadable when he stared at Adam.

“Got something against that, fuckface?” Ronan sneered, quickly pulling his eyes from Adam’s and pushing Preston against the wall again. There was even more power in his hold, his face twisting in something fierce, something that earned him the nickname “the snake”.

“Nope, none,” Preston quickly said, his eyes darting everywhere to look for an escape. Everything to prevent his face from getting ruined even more than it already had.

“Good, now I suggest you apologise.”

“Sorry, Ronan.”

“Not to me, asshole,” Ronan said, exasperation clear in his voice. He nodded his head to Theodore who watched it all unfold. “To him.”

“I’m sorry, Theodore,” Preston said, getting slammed against the wall once again. “It won’t happen again.”

Ronan dropped him like a piece of garbage and Preston rushed away, obviously aiming for his shiny car to get the fuck out of dodge. Theodore stared after him and gave Ronan a slight smile, sad but hopeful.

“Thank you,” Theodore said. “I don’t want to imagine what happened if you hadn’t come between them.”

Ronan just nodded, looking like his mind drifted away from the situation already.

“For what it’s worth, I think you two make a cute couple.” This startled Ronan back to earth and watched with his mouth slightly open as Theodore walked away and gave a small wave when he did.

“Wanna tell me what the fuck that was all about, Parrish?”

Ronan didn’t look mad, confused more than anything. Still, Adam was apprehensive to say, “I don’t know, Ronan. I just said it without thinking” because what would that mean? He said it easily, no doubt filtering his mind from speaking the word out loud and now they were in some deep shit.

“I don’t know,” Adam decided on. It wasn’t a lie but it wasn’t the whole truth either.

“We’re in some deep shit now.”

-

By the end of the day, the news had spread all over Aglionby, though nobody dared ask in fear of Ronan Lynch and his sharp smile. Adam tried not to let it get to him but he knew that they needed to talk about it. Should they let people talk? Should they say it was a joke?

When Theodore rushed over to them in the parking lot, telling them that nobody had picked on him since the rumour about them spread, Ronan and Adam both instantly decided they had to keep this up.

“We need some ground rules,” Adam said, grabbing a notebook from his flimsy desk at St. Agnes. “And a backup story.”

Ronan threw himself back on Adam’s bed with a sigh. “Why the fuck would we do that, Parrish?”  
“Because, Lynch,” Adam responded, rubbing his forehead to get rid of the giant headache Ronan was giving him. “This needs to be realistic. We need to have the details ready on how we got together and we need to decide on how far we let this go.”

“We got together because we have been friends for a well over a year,” Ronan said, putting a finger in the air to start his imaginary list. “I asked you out, and don’t argue with me on this.”

Adam snapped his mouth shut, arms folding over each other to emphasise the glare directed towards Ronan.

“And I don’t give a shit about how far this goes.”

“So, you wouldn’t mind kissing me?” Adam asked, one eyebrow raised. He watched in amusement as Ronan flailed and nearly fell off the bed, his face red like he was sunburnt.

“I-you-why the fuck would that be necessary?”

“It needs to be believable!” Adam argued back. “Couples kiss, Ronan.”

“Well, we don’t.” Ronan decided. He would lie if he didn’t want to kiss Adam but this was too risky. He held his feelings contained in a locked box inside his heart that even he didn’t dare open and if this started, if they actually kissed, the box would open and all the contents would pour out. Ronan wasn’t ready for those consequences.

“I’ll add it to the list,” Adam sighed, writing down a big "NO KISSING" on the blank page. “What about hand-holding?”

Ronan’s mouth pulled down for a second but he eventually nodded.

After spending an hour bickering back and forth they came up with a plausible story. They had gone out for a drive, stopped by the side of the road to look at the stars, “we have a real Don Juan in our midst” “I’m surprised you even know who that is considering you skipped English for months”, made out, confessed feelings, and that was it.

“Do we tell Gansey?” Adam had asked and they decided on yes. Gansey probably heard the rumours already, being the most popular boy at Aglionby, and could actually help cover them when needed.

It wasn’t a perfect plan and something was definitely bound to go wrong. But they felt like it was the right thing to do, whether it was for Theodore of them, they weren’t sure. They just hoped they would survive tomorrow without being caught faking it. But, honestly, how hard could it be?


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> new chapter! a bit longer than the previous one so i hope you like it <3

Okay, so, maybe, just maybe, they were wrong about how easy this fake-dating thing would be.

Things were already looking down when they talked to Gansey before school. The three boys were seated in the Camaro, on the side of the road, after Adam blurted it out and Gansey swivelled into the berm.

“What do you mean you’re ‘fake-dating’?” Gansey asked indignantly. “Why would you?”

“That little fuckbag was beating up this gay kid,” Ronan said as a manner of explanation, which was clearly not enough for Gansey who looked even more confused than he already was.

“Preston was beating up Theodore and Ronan got between them. I told them we were dating in the hopes that Ronan and his scary self would stop the asshole from beating up gay people.”

“Adam!” Gansey, yelped, his mouth slightly open and his eyes bulging comically at Adam’s use of profanity.  
Adam just shrugged.

“Fine, well, I get where you’re coming from but is this a good idea? Maybe we should think this over, brainstorm a little. I have read in an article that-“

“It happened, Dick,” Ronan interrupted. “No stopping it now.”

Adam shuffled awkwardly in the backseat. “We’re only asking you to play along if anyone asks.”

“You’re asking me to lie,” Gansey corrected, but he looked contemplative. “But I suppose it is for a good cause. It shouldn’t have happened, to Theodore I mean. It’s not right.”

Adam sighed in relief and saw Ronan’s shoulders relax as well. Gansey looked more put out by the fact that he had to lie to people than by the prospect of Adam and Ronan dating each other, even if it was fake. Gansey’s opinion, as much as the Gangsey didn’t want to admit it, mattered to every single one of them. Probably most to Ronan, who would go to the ends of the earth for him. Adam knew that if Gansey disapproved, it would have hurt him more than he would ever let on, and Gansey, being not observant at all, would’ve been none the wiser.

With the Gansey crisis averted, they embarked on their journey towards Aglionby, where the way they acted could make or break this entire plan.  
Aglionby, being an all-boys school, didn’t have a lot of couples. Not any actually. Adam didn’t think there were really only straight boys on that school, he had seen the way some looked at Ronan or Gansey and it wasn’t a look of fear or platonic admiration alone. But still, there were no couples behaving as couples out in the open. There were no boys holding hands, kissing in the hallways, no pecks on cheeks, or even hugs that weren’t one-armed. Toxic masculinity is a real thing and Aglionby was oozing with it.

Adam wasn’t scared to hold Ronan’s hand or anything. He was with Ronan. If anyone looked at them funny or said something rude, Ronan would punch their lights out, no questions asked. The thing was though, Adam tried so hard to fit in, to not draw attention to himself. To not draw attention to his second-hand clothing or his second-hand books. To not draw attention to the bruises he had received before he moved out. And now he was willingly putting himself in the spotlight because of some stupid thing that he just blurted out without thinking.

Ronan was looking cool, composed, bored almost. But Adam could see the tension coiling his body tight. He could see his jaw clenching and unclenching more as they got closer to the school building. Adam was sure that Ronan had never been in a relationship. Adam was his first and it wasn’t even real. He felt guilty and privileged at the same time.  
Ronan was nervous. This was not a feeling he had a lot. He was never nervous for his first day of school, because before the accident everybody liked him, and after everybody feared him. Nobody would mess with him and he knew that, but pretending to be in a relationship with the guy he had feelings for turned his stomach. What if he completely messed this up and showed Adam that he was a shit boyfriend? What if this lead to him going from having a small chance with Adam to having absolutely zero chances of ever getting Adam’s attention in that way. Though, Ronan also saw this as an opportunity, a selfish one, but an opportunity. He could hold Adam’s hand, wouldn’t have to hold back all the time from touching him. He couldn’t even count the amounts of time that he had wanted to touch Adam but refrained from it, too scared to cross the invisible line that was always stretched between them. And now they were going to cross it.

They arrived at the parking area 10 minutes before classes began. Gansey got out first and prompted them to follow. Adam suddenly didn’t know how to act natural anymore. He felt as if all eyes were on them, and they probably were, aware of every action the boys took.

Ronan ended up on his right, mindful of his deaf ear, and Gansey walked in front of them, a presidential smile on, almost challenging people to say something.

“Are you gonna hold my hand or what, Parrish?”

When Adam glanced sideways he took note of Ronan's devilish smirk and matched it with one of his own. “Can you handle it?”

Ronan raised his eyebrows and flushed slightly. Without any preamble, Ronan grabbed Adam’s hand in his own, their finger intertwining. An unexplainable fluttering took over Adam’s stomach which he immediately related to nerves. It couldn’t be anything else, right?

The stares were definitely unavoidable and it was difficult to ignore, but with Ronan’s hand in his, Adam felt a little braver. He straightened his back and looked some of the boys in the eyes, daring them to yell a slur.

They moved like an impenetrable wall of pure defiance and confident even though neither of the boys felt that way. Adam was still mourning his dead anonymity, Ronan was silently freaking out because he was finally holding Adam’s hand while realising that this was not how he wanted it to happen for the first time, and Gansey was contemplating how his friends had managed to get themselves in this situation and how he could help without being subjected to Ronan’s hostility and Adam’s need for independence.

“So, it’s true.” The two boys looked from Ronan and Adam where they were standing beside Adam’s locker, back to each other.

“Got a problem with that?” Ronan asked, suddenly turning. He had probably scared the poor boys to death. Adam just shook his head and tried to remember what books he needed for his next classes.

“No, not at all!” One of the boys answered in complete excitement. “My boyfriend and I were actually hoping we could come out one day, that we didn’t have to hide anymore and I guess now we don’t.”

They both beamed at Adam and Ronan and walked away with their arms slung around each other, on hand dipping lower to just above the waistline of the other.

“That is what a couple looks like.”

Ronan turned around again. “Am I not giving you enough love, Parrish?” Ronan asked mockingly which, in turn, made Adam’s mouth twitch. Ronan smirked in success.

“Trouble in paradise already?”

That snooty voice could only come from one pretentious bastard in the entire vicinity.  
“Preston.” Adam nodded, though the fire in his eyes was burning. He hadn’t forgotten what happened the day before.

“Doucheface,” Ronan said, looming dangerously over him. “What makes you think that you can say anything.”

“Well, I don’t believe you’re dating.” Preston crossed his arms over his chest. “Prove it to me.”

“We don’t have to prove you shit, Windsor.” Ronan said his last name the same way he would say garbage or Trump. With a certain level of pure disgust.

“You don’t kiss, you don’t hug, you even still call each other by your last names,” Preston smirked. “Doesn’t really sound like a relationship to me.”

Ronan was already rolling up the sleeves of his leather jacket but luckily for Preston, the bell rang.

“Think about it,” Preston said walking away. Ronan would very much like to kick him off his high fucking horse.

“We need to talk after class,” Adam said, closing his bag and slamming his locker shut. “Meet me during the break by Gansey’s car.”  
Ronan could just nod before Adam took off, the fear of getting late etched into his movements.

-

When Adam walked out of the school, he could already spot Ronan’s lean frame. The shaved head that suited him a little too well, the curls of his tattoo peaking out of his probably dreamt up leather jacket, the purposely and expensive ripped jeans, with his signature combat boots underneath them. An entire outfit that could have paid Adam’s rent for two months, though for some reason, Adam wasn’t that agitated by it. The boy was Ronan after all.

“What do you so desperately need to talk about that it couldn’t wait until after school?” Ronan asked the moment Adam was within hearing shot.

“We need to revise the rules.”

“Why the fuck would we, Parrish?”

“Because you’re still calling me by my last name?” Adam said indigently and raised an eyebrow. “Listen, I got the keys to the Camaro, yes, Gansey gave them to me, please just get in and let’s discuss this.”  
Ronan rolled his eyes but opened the car door and got in, hands drumming on the dashboard before him.

“About what Preston said-“

“Who the fuck cares about what that asshole says?”

“The entire school, Lynch!” Adam nearly yelled. “If he doesn’t believe us nobody will.” This shut Ronan up for a second and Adam took a breath of relief.

“Now, he was talking about the fact that we don’t hug or kiss or call each other by our first names, at least. How did we forget to talk about hugs?”

“We never hug,” Ronan answered, shrugging his shoulders. “Didn’t think about it.”

“That’s the problem, Lynch!” Adam was getting worked up now. It was one thing to be openly in a relationship with a boy in a homophobic all-boys school while he actually just wanted to keep his head down and get out of this town before it swallowed him whole, but it was another thing to be revealed as a liar about said subject. It would ruin him for life.

“We’re not gonna talk about the whole boundaries thing again, are we?”

“We have to,” Adam replied. “I don’t mind hugs,” he added, avoiding Ronan’s stare. He really didn’t. Sometimes he thought about hugging Ronan, what it would feel like, if Ronan was really as sharp as he presented himself to be.

“Me neither.”

“What about cheek and forehead kisses?” Adam asked, not sure if he was crossing a line that would set Ronan off.

“What about them?” Ronan replied but he didn’t sound disgusted. Instead, he had a curious glance in his eyes with a dose of comprehension, as if he wasn’t sure he heard it correctly and didn’t want to give himself the hope that he had.

“Are they okay?”

“Why not,” Ronan said begrudgingly. “I don’t see why they are necessary though.”

“Have you never seen a romantic movie?” Adam asked. “Like at all?”

“Do I look like the type?”

Ronan didn’t but that didn’t mean shit in Ronan’s case. He also didn’t look the type to hold baby mouses against his cheek to feel their heartbeat but he did that as well, though sometimes Adam wondered if he had dreamt it.

“Look like, no.” Ronan raised an eyebrow. “Have you never seen it in the car movies you watch either?”

“I never pay attention.”

“That’s a lie, Lynch.”

“I don’t lie.” Ronan retorted.

Adam knew he didn’t, though he didn’t always tell the full truth either. So, Adam didn’t answer, just waited in silence until Ronan spilled.

Ronan sighed and looked up to Adam, deciding on a truth. “I didn’t know how far I could go with you. You looking uncomfortable as hell isn’t gonna sell this.”

But Adam knew what Ronan’s underlying meaning was. He didn’t want to hurt Adam. Didn’t want to make him feel trapped or uncomfortable. It was oddly sweet.

“Well, casual touches are fine, hugs and those kisses as well. I don’t mind pet names and, don’t look at me like that, most couples use them.”

“What if Parrish is my pet name for you?” Ronan asked with a smirk playing on his lips.

Adam felt his cheeks heat up. “You can have multiple.”

“Same goes for me.”

“Hmm?” Adam asked, still put off by Ronan actually flirting with him. Or was he imagining it? It was already getting harder to distinguish between real and fake and they had barely started this fake-dating thing.

“Casual touches, hugs, those kisses, pet names, they’re fine with me as well,” Ronan said casually. “As long as you don’t call me anything stupid.”

“Sugarplum?”

“No.”

“Honeybun?”

“Parrish.”

“Babycakes?”

“I will murder you.”

“Okay, okay, fine,” Adam laughed throwing his hands up. If Ronan looked a little too long, nobody commented on it. “Babe?”

Ronan’s pale skin turned slightly red, beginning at his neck and slowly creeping up on his cheeks. “Whatever.”

Adam grinned, babe it is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments always make my day so let me know what you thought of the chapter


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> went mia for a week or so because i was on a trip to berlin and i just came back yesterday! this is a tiny update but i wanted to add a chapter because i haven't updated in so long 
> 
> i hope you enjoy it!

Adam had not taken into account what effect Ronan’s casual touches would have on him. 

 

Going from barely touching, even on accident, to Ronan’s arm permanently slung over his shoulders already was a big step to make, so nothing prepared him for the kiss on his cheek Ronan gave him at his locker.

 

They had walked back to Gansey together during their break, Ronan’s arm around him, Adam a visible mess from it. The arm felt heavy but comfortable and warm. So goddamn warm. The implication of it, the protectiveness and slight possessiveness of being held by Ronan made his entire body tingle. 

 

Adam was not an idiot. He knew what having a crush felt like and it would be stupid to keep pretending he doesn’t have one. He has felt Ronan’s eyes on him even though he ignored them, he knew that Ronan most likely feels the same way.

 

But Adam Parrish wasn’t worthy of capturing Ronan Lynch’s interest. And he wasn’t going to act on it, even if he wanted it so badly it nearly consumed him.

 

At least he had this, the arm around his shoulders, giving him a taste of what they could have been.

 

“I must say, you two are selling it really well.” 

 

Ronan unleashed his sharp grin at Gansey and sat down next to Adam, taking his arm off Adam’s shoulder in favour of eating the sandwich Gansey threw at him from the cafeteria. He had learnt to not buy them for Adam.

 

Adam immediately felt the loss of Ronan’s arm and tried to hide his disappointment. “We have to.”

 

Gansey glanced between the two, a contemplative glance in his eyes. “How long are you going to keep this up?”

 

Ronan shrugged. “For as long as we have to.”

 

“Adam?”

 

“It has to be believable, Gansey,” Adam said, sighing before biting into his own homemade sandwich. 

 

Gansey raised an eyebrow.

 

Adam swallowed and rolled his eyes. “We can’t just “break up” after, what? A day of dating?”

 

Gansey raised his hands defensively. “Alright, fine, you’re right.”

 

And that was the end of it. Gansey continued to vouch for their “relationship” that day, deflecting comments and bending the truth like a weathered politician. 

 

Ronan took this opportunity to finally look at Adam whenever he wanted to. No more sideways glances or hidden looks, no more hiding his attraction. He knew Adam noticed but he hoped Adam would think it was an act. He wasn’t ready to share this truth yet.

 

Finally being able to really look at the elegant boy was both a blessing and a curse. Ronan traced the outline of his hands, the veins that poked through his tan and freckled skin, he mapped the lines on his hands until he committed it to memory. Until he could replicate them exactly in his dreams if he wanted to. 

 

But with this knowledge of Adam’s hands came the constant images of them flooding through Ronan’s mind at every opportunity. He couldn’t pay attention to his Latin class which was the only class he ever made an attempt for.

 

Adam Parrish and his beautiful hands were going to ruin him one day.

 

Adam was no better off. He felt Ronan’s stare and tried to not get red every time it happened. It became harder to concentrate on classes and reminding himself every few seconds that _this isn’t real_ wasn’t the most pleasant thing either. He had to refrain himself from looking back, tracing Ronan’s jutted cheekbones with his eyes, or his fingers. He wondered if those cheekbones would have cut him if he tried.

 

After a tiring day, Ronan insisted on walking with Adam to his locker because “I’m your boyfriend, Parrish. I have to do this cheesy romantic shit,” while Adam struggled to listen after hearing Ronan calling himself his _boyfriend._

 

He had no choice but to let Ronan walk with him, it wasn’t as if Ronan didn’t always get what he wanted and who was Adam to deny him something small like this.

 

“I’m coming over tonight,” Ronan said casually while inspecting his nails as he leaned against the lockers next to Adam’s.

 

Adam didn’t look up when he told him he had work tonight.

 

“I’ll pick you up.”

 

Adam wanted to protest but he felt the stares of his fellow classmates on his back, knowing they were listening in to the conversation of Aglionby’s new infamous couple. He had no choice but to agree and Ronan knew it, responding with a pleased smirk.

 

“I have to feed Chainsaw,” Ronan said, leaning closer. “I’ll see you tonight.”

 

And with that, he pressed his lips lightly to Adam’s cheek. Adam’s eyes fluttered closed and when he opened them again, Ronan was already halfway through the hallway. He turned around one last time to throw Adam a wink and disappeared through the main doors.

 

Adam felt rooted to the ground and lifted his hand to press against the spot where Ronan’s lips had been. The kiss had been gentle and soft but the spot still burned even after Ronan was long gone.

  
Adam wanted to feel those lips on him again.

 

Adam was well and truly fucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments are always much appreciated!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as you might have noticed, i have finally made an outline and i decided on 8 chapters in total! i'm going to try to put them all out this week because i leave for a city trip to new york next week and this way you won't have to wait until i'm back for the last chapters.
> 
> i made this chapter more ronan centric so we also get some insight on his thoughts on this fake dating fiasco

Ronan’s lips still tingled well over half an hour later. Kissing Adam Parrish’ cheek was by far the bravest thing he has ever done and his wildly beating heart seemed to agree.

 

What was he doing? 

 

Adam hadn’t pushed him away, he had looked more in awe of him than anything, but Ronan knew he was playing with fire. His feelings for Adam became harder and harder to press down. He was afraid he might explode one day and just confess everything to anyone who stood near him. So, how did he think fake-dating him was going to be a good idea?

 

Ronan revelled in privileges of touching Adam, something he figured he couldn’t do anymore after they were “broken up” but it was going to take some time before that happened and he figured that by the time that happened, he had already tremendously fucked something up. Feeling Adam’s skin on his fingertips and being close enough to him to smell the cheap soap he used were intoxicating but it was simultaneously the hardest thing he ever had to do. 

 

Only pretending to be Adam’s boyfriend drove a dagger into his heart that was going to be stuck there until the whole pretence ended. If Ronan survived that long.

 

He didn’t even know why he was going to pick Adam up from work. Maybe because sleeping over at Adam’s almost every day greatly improved his sleeping habits since the shitty little apartment above the church seemed to be the only place he could actually sleep at? 

 

Ronan braced himself for spending more time with Adam, which usually wasn’t this charged with the palpable tension floating between the two. Whatever it was, Ronan didn’t want to risk his friendship with Adam and if that meant still picking him up and sleeping over he had no other choice.

 

He stopped a little before closing time at the garage and waited outside like he usually did. Adam walked out of the shop not long after, looking like he stepped out of Ronan’s dirtiest fantasies with the arms of his overalls wrapped around his waist and the white shirt underneath it sticking to his body from the sweat his body had created while lying underneath a car. Ronan swallowed and attempted to look as casual as possible when Adam slipped in next to him.

 

“You okay, Lynch?” Adam asked, a knowing kind of smirk on Adam’s face which made him look more attractive and only made Ronan madder.

 

“Why wouldn’t I be, Parrish?” Ronan asked, an eyebrow raised with a silent, “I fucking dare you”.

 

“No reason.”

 

Adam leaned his head against the glass window next to him and fell asleep not long after. It was always gratifying to know that Adam trusted him enough to get them to his place safely despite knowing Ronan’s aversion to speed limits. Ronan never went passed the speed limit whenever Adam was sleeping next to him though. This gave Adam more of a chance to sleep and Ronan the opportunity to glance at him every once in a while. It was rare to see Adam this peaceful when he was awake. When he was asleep, the furrow between his brows disappeared and sometimes he even wore the hint of a smile on his lips which made Ronan feel unnecessarily warm inside.

 

They arrived at St. Agnes all too quickly and Ronan begrudgingly woke Adam up with a “wake up, sleeping beauty” and a light shake at his shoulder.

 

Adam startled awake and mumbled an apology that wasn’t necessary but Ronan didn’t feel like picking a fight today, which was a rare occurrence. He let it slide and followed Adam up to his room, dumping his jacket and stepping out of his heavy boots the moment he walked into the room. 

 

Adam looked disapprovingly at him but it looked like he wasn’t feeling like fighting either because he just shrugged and pulled some big books out of his backpack, laying it on the moving box he used as a desk. 

 

“I have a shit ton of homework, so no distractions,” Adam said, pointing a finger at Ronan with a sternness that made Ronan laugh.

 

“Am I distracting to you, Parrish?” Ronan asked teasingly, fluttering his eyelashes for good measure.

 

What he hadn’t expected was Adam flushing bright red and turning around quickly, his back now in Ronan line of sight. 

 

“You wish, Lynch,” he said but Adam’s voice carried a slight tremble that Ronan decided not to comment on. Instead, he obsessed over the meaning of the red flush behind Adam’s freckles for a good hour before he fell asleep on the hard floor beneath him.

 

When Ronan woke up again around four am, he had a dream thing in his hand and a blanket draped over his body. The implication of it made him feel flustered. _Adam cared._

 

He decided he was too tired to focus on that, though, and instead looked at the pen in his hand. He remembered the dream from which it came as clearly as he remembered every other dream he has had.

 

The dream pen could never run out of ink which was basically useless to him. Only he hadn’t dreamed it for himself, but for Adam. The number of dream things he brought back for Adam was getting ridiculous. Copious amounts of magic hand cream and lip balm, because he started too much at Adam’s lips during the day time, and various other useless but objects full of implication were in stuffed in the drawers at Monmouth.

 

This pen, though, wasn’t explicitly romantic and it could be useful to somebody who could barely afford food, let alone office supplies. He, thus, left the pen with a little note that said, “for your nerdy needs” on his Latin book which was still lying open on the make-shift desk. Ronan then took off, glancing one last time at Adam’s sleeping form, curled in on himself from the cold. Ronan walked back and laid the blanket, that was keeping him warm during the first part of the night, across Adam’s body gently. Adam shifted and Ronan held his breath but Adam only changed positions and his breath evened out again.

 

Ronan had to get out of there. The urge to crawl next to the sleeping boy and take him into his arms was getting too big. He had to remind himself that whatever they had now, with the casual touches and the cheek-kisses, was fake. He would never have this in real life so he couldn’t cuddle Adam to his chest or feel his gentle breathing against his neck.

 

He should be happy with what he had now, because even if he didn’t have Adam fully, he still knows now what it could’ve been like to be with him. 

 

But, Ronan realised, this knowledge only made him want Adam more.

 

It was as if Adam was a drug Ronan just couldn’t quit even if he wanted to. 

 

Ronan stepped out of the apartment, closed the door behind him softly, and breathed in the cool midnight air. It cleared his head a little.

 

He stepped into his car and drove off, not having a destination in mind but unconsciously heading in the direction of the Barns, one of the only places that would make him feel peaceful and at home.

 

During his drive Ronan decided that he couldn’t lose Adam, their friendship was more important than the feelings he had for him. Somewhere, however, Ronan also knew he had to try something. He was patient and would never pressure Adam into anything, but now he had a chance. It was a small chance but it was there. A chance to show Adam what kind of a boyfriend he could be. Maybe, by some miracle, Adam could fall for him.

 

It was a small chance, but Ronan had to try.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i always love to know what your thoughts are so don't be afraid to leave a comment. you can also follow me on tumblr (clawsnbeak) if you want to!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kinda took a turn that wasn't planned on but i'm just rolling with it lmao
> 
> enjoy!

Adam stepped out of Ronan’s BMW and headed towards Aglionby’s entrance. Ronan quickly caught up and intertwined their fingers like it was second nature to them. In a way, it was.

 

It had been a month since they started this fake-relationship and casual affection came easy to them now. Instead of jumping when Ronan touched him, Adam now relished in the familiarity of Ronan’s fingertips against his skin. This made the pretence they put up more believable in the eyes of the student body but Adam wondered nearly every day if they should go on like this. 

 

His feelings for Ronan were unable to contain now, especially with the amount of time they spend together and how much of that time they were touching in one way or another. A casual arm slung across his shoulder or holding his waist in a firm grip, the kisses on his cheeks, his forehead, everywhere Ronan could easily reach in public which wasn’t his lips. Adam enjoyed the appreciative glances that Ronan threw his way and he cherished every single touch he had felt on his skin. 

 

As Adam had expected, there was a danger in it too. It was getting more and more difficult to draw the line between pretending and reality. He wanted this in his life, he wanted Ronan like this in his life and not just when they were at school. Because of their fake-relationship, though, Ronan showed up more than he ever had before so at least there was some positive aspect to all of this.

 

“See you after class, Babe.”

 

Ronan had said it so casually, as if he didn’t have to think twice about calling Adam this pet name that made butterflies erupt in his stomach.

 

Adam kissed Ronan’s cheek back in revenge and shoved him towards the regular Math classroom which was one of the only subjects they didn’t share. Adam could just catch Ronan’s wink before he headed towards the advanced Math class he was enrolled in.

 

After a long hour of listening to his teacher drone on and on about equations, Adam couldn’t even remember what it was about. His mind had been too occupied with Ronan lately and his actual schoolwork was starting to suffer. He couldn’t keep his attention to anything, he was solely focussed on deciding what to do with this entire situation.

 

Ronan’s voice saying, “Babe” over and over was still playing in Adam’s head when he bumped into someone. The papers he was holding were flying everywhere and he could just catch his footing before he could fall to the floor.

 

_Great._

 

Of course he had been nearly run over by Preston. If it wasn’t for this prick, he wouldn’t even be in this situation right now. 

 

“Watch where you’re going, fag!” Preston bit out, shoving Adam for good measure. This time Adam did fell to the floor and as he was laying there, Preston’s figure looming over him, he was suddenly brought back to one of the last times his father had beat him.

 

He did everything to not cower away.

 

Suddenly, Preston was turned around and pressed into the lockers next to them, his head banging against it with a sickening crack.

 

“Lay a hand on my boyfriend again and you’re dead, Windsor,” Ronan said threateningly and dropped Preston like it’s nothing. He immediately went over to Adam and helped him up, checking him for injuries without the usual subtlety. 

 

“You okay?” Ronan asked gently, caressing Adam’s face with his soft hands.

 

Ronan’s hands used to make him feel self-conscious since his own were rough and calloused from years of hard labour, but now he revelled in the feeling of the smooth skin against his own. It was almost delicate but he wasn’t going to say that to Ronan’s face.

 

“I’m fine, Ro,” a nickname that never failed to make Ronan blush.

 

“You guys are adorable together,” came from the other side of the hall. Adam and Ronan turned around quickly, both raising one eyebrow and giving Tad Caruthers the dual stare of judgement.

 

“You,” Tad said, his breath coming quickly as he ran towards them in excitement, “should totally come to my party on Friday!”

 

Adam and Ronan looked from Tad to each other and back, both thinking the same thing.

 

“No, thank you,” Adam said, opting to take the reins instead of letting Ronan say whatever came to his mind. It would be a lot less polite.

 

“I think that’s a great idea.” 

 

The three of them now turned to Gansey who appeared next to them, seemingly out of nowhere. “We can all go!”

 

Nobody could refuse Gansey and he knew it. Adam and Ronan reluctantly nodded, disappointed in themselves that they couldn’t say no. Again.

 

“I’ll see you all at my place then,” Tad smiled, “it starts at eight.”

 

“What fucking party starts at eight?” Ronan sneered before Adam or Gansey could stop him. Tad’s smile faltered but it was back to full brightness when Gansey turned to him to talk about whatever nerdy club they were both in now.

 

Adam gripped Ronan’s hand in support and released a sigh of relief when he felt Ronan squeeze back. This was going to be a nightmare but at least they were in it together.

 

-

 

The disco ball in the middle of Tad’s living room was the most extra thing Adam had ever seen in his life. The ball was huge but the colours it reflected did have a nice effect, he had to admit.

 

Adam didn’t drink and Ronan held back for once as well after getting a lecture from Adam on how he wasn’t going to carry his drunk ass home.

 

The party was swelling as more and more people started to arrive. Ronan didn’t want to come at eight so they agreed on ten, instead of not going at all, and people were already starting to get tipsy.

 

“You made it!” Tad screamed over the loud music that was playing through heavy-looking stereos. 

 

Adam tried for a polite smile and Ronan continued to stare at him, obviously not happy he was here.

 

Tad made his way back to the dance-floor after a quick “let me know if you need anything,” and got caught up in the throng of people already dancing. 

 

Adam motioned for Ronan to lean forward so he could place his lips near Ronan’s ear and said, “We should try to have some fun.”

 

Adam had expected that Ronan would brush off the words or give him a sarcastic answer back like he usually did but he held his hand out for Adam to take and lead them to the dance-floor.

 

“We should,” Ronan said in Adam’s good ear and started to move his hips to the beat of the music. Adam had never known Ronan could dance but as he watched him get into the rhythm he didn’t know why he expected otherwise. Suddenly, he was reminded of Calla calling Ronan “the Snake” and he finally got what she meant. 

 

Ronan’s movements were fluid and looked more natural than any person who was dancing next to them.

 

Adam couldn’t help but stare. He realised he was standing frozen, just watching Ronan dance but he could not will himself to move or take his eyes off of him.

 

Ronan smirked, his lips reminding Adam of a knife’s edge. He wouldn’t mind getting cut by them.

  
“Less staring and more dancing, Parrish,” Ronan yelled, waking Adam out of his trance. He reluctantly moved forward into Ronan’s space not quite knowing what to do.

 

Ronan finally took pity on him and moved his hands to grip Adam’s waist, pulling him impossibly closer. Adam couldn’t contain the small whimper he really hoped nobody heard.

 

Adam’s arms moved to circle Ronan’s neck, their bodies touching at every single point now. Adam could feel the heat of Ronan’s body overwhelmingly press against his. Adam could feel the thrum of the beat deep inside his bones.

 

He started to move with Ronan, unable to pull his eyes away from his. They both moved to the beat now, Ronan guiding him until he didn’t have to anymore.

 

As they continued to move, their gazes became more heated, the staring more intently than it had before. Their heads moved closer without them noticing until they were almost nose to nose.

 

The beat started to fall away until the only beat Adam could hear was his heart that was pounding wildly in his chest. He could feel Ronan’s heart do the same through the layering of their shirts.

 

Ronan glanced at his lips and Adam was done for. He surged up, standing on his tip-toes to meet Ronan’s lips with his own. Ronan stiffened for a second and Adam feared he had crossed a line he shouldn’t have before all thought was drowned away by the feeling of Ronan’s lips moving against his.

 

Adam pulled on Ronan’s neck, so he was more on Adam’s level and tilted his head to deepen the kiss. 

 

Adam had no idea how long they were standing there, kissing as if their lives depended on it. He felt warm all over and practically groaned when Ronan’s tongue entered his mouth.

 

They pulled away when they were out of breath and stared at each other with shock etched into their expressions.

 

They were well and truly fucked now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos/comments/constructive criticism is always welcome <3


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm really sorry
> 
> pls don't kill me

They didn’t talk about it. Not on the ride home from the party and not when the Gangsey all met up on Saturday to discuss their quest over some pizza from Nino’s.

 

There was a tension between them that even Gansey seemed to pick up on and that was saying something since he was the most oblivious one out of the group. Blue commented on it even though she knew she should have kept her mouth shut but neither of the boys reacted to her and that infuriated her even more.

 

Adam and Ronan could barely look at each other and the easy banter that seemed to fuel their friendship before was nowhere to be found.  
  
Worry lines were etched into Gansey’s forehead permanently during the entirety of their time together and even when Adam left for work, he didn’t seem to get Ronan alone. He should have known Ronan would avoid him so his best bet was getting Adam alone.

 

Opportunity arose on Sunday morning when Ronan was at church. Gansey waited until mass had begun before he sneaked upstairs to Adam’s bedroom and knocked on the door.

 

Adam opened after the third knock and Gansey had to hold in a gasp. It looked as if Adam had barely slept at all. Gansey could see deeper and darker circles under Adam’s eyes and his skin was paler than usual, stark against the freckles that littered his skin.

 

“May I come in?” Gansey asked, suddenly unsure of himself. Adam nodded and opened the door further, motioning Gansey to come in.

 

“I have work later,” Adam said, standing in the middle of his room, looking quite unsure himself.

 

“Oh, yes, I know,” Gansey quickly said, “I just wanted to talk to you about something.”

 

“Well?”

 

“Are you and Ronan fighting?” Gansey hated it when they fought, it always felt like a deep wedge was stuck between the group that he couldn’t fix for the life of him. 

 

“Not necessarily,” Adam said, shaking his head. He sighed and sat down on his mattress, letting his head fall into his open hands. He rubbed his hand through his hair and sighed deeply again before looking at Gansey resolutely. “I kissed him.”

 

“What?” Gansey yelped. He hadn’t expected _that_. He thought it was going to take them a while before they figured it out, despite everybody around them already knowing they had a thing for each other. Gansey wasn’t one to pay too much attention to detail in everyday stuff. Sure, he was meticulous with his research but he wasn’t the best with people in general. Despite that, even he saw how Ronan looked at Adam. How he had looked at Adam for a while. And lately, he saw how Adam had looked back.

 

“And Ronan kissed me back,” Adam said, looking at his knees. Gansey sat down next to him and laid an arm around his shoulders carefully. He felt a surge of happiness when Adam didn’t push him off.

 

“Have you talked about it?” Gansey asked before he caught Adam’s eyes. “Of course you haven’t.”

 

“We’re not the best at emotions,” Adam admitted with a wry smile. 

 

“None of us are,” Gansey said thoughtfully. “Maybe Jane,” he added after a few seconds of silence.

 

Adam shrugged and hugged his knees to his chest. It hurt Gansey to see Adam hurting just as much as it had hurt him to see Ronan in pain. If only they just sucked it up and confessed to each other. But Gansey supposed it was easier said than done.

 

“Talk it out,” Gansey nearly pleaded. “Even if it’s just for my sake.”

 

Adam nodded and Gansey stood up to leave. He threw one last look over his shoulder and noticed how small Adam looked.

 

_They have to figure this out themselves._

 

Gansey decided against dragging Ronan upstairs after mass was over and locking them both in the room and headed to Monmouth instead, hoping that this could still be fixed.

 

-

 

_I need to talk to you._

 

Adam rarely got a text from Ronan. He actually thought he was one of the few people Ronan actually texted in general and he only did so in emergencies or for stupid shit he had found only.

 

Adam’s heart was pounding in his chest when he texted back.

 

_Come over after work._

 

Of course, Adam knew what they had to talk about and he was nowhere near prepared for the conversation they were about to have. 

 

Despite everything, the awkwardness, the tension that drove a rift between them, he couldn’t find it in himself to regret the kiss.

 

It was one of the best moments in Adam’s life, as sad as it was to admit. The kiss had made his heart pound, his hands shake, and it had made him feel more alive than anything had before. It felt as if he had awoken from a dream-like state and woke up in Ronan’s arms, his lips against his own.

 

The only thing he did regret, though, was the friendship they risked. Adam figured they would be strong enough to survive this but some doubt nagged at him as well, telling him that he couldn’t be sure of that.

 

All throughout work, he couldn’t focus on anything but the conversation he was about to have. What Ronan would say, what he would say, how it would end. 

 

When his shift ended, Adam threw his tools in the toolbox with rapid speed and was out of the door in mere seconds. He biked home quickly, nearly getting hit by a car on the way because his mind was too occupied. 

 

Later he couldn’t even remember biking home, just the feeling of nausea rising as he was starting to have a bad feeling about this situation. Something heavy lodged itself in his stomach and if Adam was to trust his gut, he knew this wasn’t going to end well.

 

When he arrived at St.Agnes, he spotted Ronan’s BMW, meaning he was already waiting for him. Ronan must have been too anxious to wait much longer too.

 

He tried to calm his heart before walking upstair at a forcefully casual pace. He couldn’t run up the stairs like he wanted, Ronan would definitely notice.

 

Ronan was leaning against his door, his head tilted back and his eyes roaming the ceiling. Adam had the sudden urge to grab him by his leather jacket and pull him down like he had at the party. Instead, he came to a stop in front of him and opened the door when Ronan moved out of the way, not meeting Adam’s eyes.

 

Adam’s entire body filled with dread as he watched Ronan pacing through the apartment, his hands balled in fists. Adam had never been scared that Ronan would hurt him, which is quite ironic since Ronan, in Gansey’s words, fought everything with a social security number. But never him. Now, however, Adam knew Ronan was going to break his heart it was going to rip him apart.

 

Adam felt it coming before Ronan had even opened his mouth. Adam recognised the furrow of his brow, the tightness of his face, the flexing of his hands. He couldn’t say it but Adam didn’t feel like helping him. If he was going to break his heart, he was going to have to do it on his own.

 

“I can’t do it anymore,” Ronan said, meeting Adam’s eyes for the first time in days. Adam saw the resignation in it, the sorrow he usually kept hidden behind the walls he had built around himself. Ronan looked as vulnerable as Adam felt.

 

“I understand,” was the only thing Adam could whisper.

 

He did understand, he really did. But that didn’t stop him from bursting into tears after Ronan left. It didn’t stop Adam from burying his head in his pillow and letting out a muffled shout.

 

Adam didn’t sleep that night.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry... again.

Today was the first time in weeks Adam wasn’t in the car next to him on his way to school. He thought about skipping, not seeing the point in going when their fake-relationship was no over. But he couldn’t let Adam face the Aglioby student body alone, especially not with that jerk Preston around. Ronan was prepared to fight him if he dared to comment on their broken “relationship”. He was even looking forward to it. Punching that dick in the face would be a great stress-reliever and God knows he needs it.

 

Ronan hadn’t slept that night. He had dozed away for a bit and nearly brought back a nightmare creature, so he decided to stay awake, listening to his ear-deafening music to drown away the images that kept haunting him. Adam’s lips on his, his hands grabbing the back of his neck to pull him closer, the resignation and hurt on Adam’s face clear and unavoidable when Ronan put an end to all of this.

 

Aglionby came in sight sooner than Ronan was ready for. After parking his car in a teacher spot, which nobody dared to call him out for, he stayed inside for a little while, mentally preparing himself to go in. He rubbed his raw fist which was still throbbing from when he smashed it against the St. Agnes building last night.

 

The first bell rung and Ronan finally decided to get out and go inside, promptly ignoring the ever so familiar bike that was parked near the entrance.

 

He let himself fall into the seat next to Gansey where he usually sat in Latin class. Wide and concerned eyes searched his but Ronan turned away. He tried to focus on the front of the class instead where their teacher was writing Latin proverbs down on the massive whiteboard, but he couldn’t tear his eyes away from the slightly ginger mop of hair that was sitting right in front of him. 

 

In his dreams, he traced the freckles of Adam’s arms and kissed the ones on his face. His mom used to call freckles “kisses from angels” and when he met Adam, he finally understood why. Now, they were just taunting him, showing him what he could never have, never touch, especially now that he had fucked it all up.

 

Adam didn’t turn around once.

 

Ronan tried to catch Adam’s eyes, just once, the entire day, without success. By the end of the last period, Ronan was seething with anger and sadness that he couldn’t keep contained anymore. Apparently, he looked so murderous, even Preston and his goonies had shut their mouths to him. They hadn’t said anything to Adam either, Gansey had told him. Ronan was both relieved and frustrated that he couldn’t release some of his pent up anger.

 

“I talked to Jane,” Gansey said, holding his iPhone X like a middle-aged mom would, writing a message with only his forefinger. Ronan wanted to slap it out of his hands. “You’re going over to Fox Way.”

 

“Like hell I am,” Ronan bit back. He last thing he wanted was to be surrounded by the nosy psychics and too snarky for her own good Blue who would see right through him like not many people could.

 

“Ronan,” Gansey sighed. His name sounded like disappointment coming from his mouth. “I can’t get through to you and this tension between the two of you is bothering the others.”

 

Ronan found it very hard to care but he couldn’t deny Gansey. Nobody could. So, Ronan stepped into his car with the promise that he would visit Blue but stay for half an hour max, which Gansey eventually agreed to.

 

He was about to turn the ignition when he saw Adam walking out of the building, gathering his bike. The only route from the school to St. Agnes was riding the path next to Ronan’s car. Ronan left the keys in the ignition but didn’t turn it and sat back instead.

 

Adam seemed hesitant to ride past him but Ronan knew he had work after school and he needed to get to St. Agnes quickly to change clothes and get ready.

 

It wasn’t fair, waiting for him and forcing Adam to see him. He knew should have driven away, but Ronan missed him like a limb. The soft brown of Adam’s eyes as they sparkled in joy after Ronan made some stupid joke in Latin, the way his hand felt when it had held his for the past few weeks. Just the warmth of Adam’s body walking next to him, filling his space like he belonged there, being gone left Ronan shivering the entire day.

 

Ronan noticed the dark circles first which were stark against his pale skin. He found Adam’s eyes not long after. They were not soft or warm or sparkling. They were hard, cold and filled with pain. Tears were forming in Ronan’s eyes which he rapidly blinked away and then Adam was gone. 

 

Ronan smacked his not-hurt hand against the steering wheel, over and over until the skin was red and Ronan felt bruises starting to form. 

 

He just lost one of the most important people in his life and he had no idea how he was going to cope.

 

-

 

“You look like shit,” Blue said immediately after opening the door. She watched him with scrutinising eyes and instead of being Ronan and snarking back, he deflated. Blue softly took his arm in her tiny hand and led him inside without saying anything else. She sat him down in the living room where the women of Fox Way cleared out.

 

“Ronan,” she said watching him with big worried eyes. “Talk to me.”

 

And he did. For all that he teased Blue, she really did become someone important to him. She was one of the most non-judgemental people he had met in his life and somehow she made it feel like he could tell her everything without having to worry. She didn’t even blink when he told her Adam had kissed him.

 

“And then I told him I couldn’t do it anymore,” he told her, tears prickling in his throat. She squeezed his shoulder gently.

 

“You can but not-,” she started.

 

“Not like this,” he finished letting his head hang. “I wished it was real,” he whispered, just loud enough for Blue to hear.

 

“I know,” she whispered back and held him until a few tears started to fall.

 

“Look what you did, Sargent,” Ronan laughed, it didn’t reach his eyes. Blue tried to smile back, but Ronan could sense the hint of pity in the curve of her lips.

 

After a few moments of silence, Maura came in with a pot of freshly brewed tea. She set it down on the table in front of them and sat down on the chair opposite of them. She gestured towards the tea and said, “drink”, watching as they both poured themselves some tea.

 

It tasted like shit but Ronan drank it anyway, anything to stop the pain in his throat, the result of unshed tears.

 

“He cares deeply about you,” Maura said, her eyes thoughtful.

 

“Did you see that in those cards of yours?” Ronan replied, trying to distract her. It didn’t work.

 

“No,” Maura said patiently. “I have eyes.”

 

Ronan shook his head and kept quiet. Even if Adam cared about him, he had still messed everything up and it would take a long time for everything to go back to normal.

 

“Talk to him,” a soft melodic voice said. All three turned around to the direction from which it came. A tiny frame and long white-blond hair. Ronan had learned from the few visits he had made to Fox Way that Persephone didn’t say much. Her speaking now said more than her words did.

 

Ronan glanced at Blue who nodded fervently. “Giving up is not the answer. Do you really want to ruin your entire friendship with Adam to the point of never getting it back?”

  
“We’re already at that point,” Ronan told her, his voice weaker than he wanted it to sound.

 

“Bullshit!”

 

Maura didn’t seem bothered by her language.

 

Blue fixed him with a heated look, one that left him unable to look away. “Maybe, just _maybe,_ you need to pull your head out of your ass, stop behaving like an idiot, and just _talk_ to him.”

 

“Sargent-“

 

“No, I’m not done,” she said, pointing her finger at Ronan’s face. “Did you honestly think that you could just leave it like this and everything would be magically fixed? That is not how it works. He _kissed_ you. On. The. Mouth. So, tell me, Lynch, what in the world made you think that he’s not into you for real?”

 

“Well-, we-, I-,” Ronan stammered, looking at Maura and Persephone for help but they were just watching, their eyes flickering from Blue to Ronan. “We were fake dating, you know?” he finished helplessly.

 

Blue rolled her eyes so hard that Ronan was scared they were going to pop out of her head. “What about the “no kissing” rule?”

 

“The-“

 

Blue fixed him with a look and suddenly it dawned on him. The “no kissing” rule! When they had started their fake-relationship, kissing on the mouth was off the table, which only meant.

 

“He wanted to,” Ronan said, suddenly feeling elated and restless. “It wasn’t pretend. He wanted to kiss me.”

 

“Probably,” Blue said simply.

 

“I have to go,” Ronan said, standing up so quickly he nearly knocked the teacups to the floor. 

 

“I got it,” Blue said, holding them steady. “Good luck.”

 

Ronan gave her a small but true smile, the first one he had let out in days. “I’m gonna need it,” he muttered to himself as he walked through the Fox Way maze in out of the door. Adam had work right now but he would be at St. Agnes tonight. Ronan was gonna go over and tell him everything. Anything to salvage what they had.

 

The hours Ronan had to wait were spend driving around on the outskirts of Henrietta, letting the feeling of the motor purring underneath him calm him down. He didn’t know what he was going to say, not exactly at least, but he had never been a planner, not even before. His mom always encouraged him to follow his heart instead and he still did. Declan called it reckless, Ronan called it freeing. 

 

He parked outside St. Agnes church about an hour after he knew Adam would be home. Nerves hit him, climbing higher and higher through his body until he thought he was going to choke on it. He stepped forward anyway.

 

Ronan knocked on Adam’s door, silently praying that Adam would open the door. No response came. Ronan knew he was inside, though. He saw the light from underneath the door. 

  
“Parrish, open up,” he shouted, knocking again, to no avail.

 

Ronan let his head fall against the door and raised his fist for one last attempt.

 

“Adam,” he said, knocking softer than he had before. “ _Please._ ”

 

There was no sound from the apartment. Ronan didn’t hear the tell-tale footsteps of Adam Parrish, he didn’t meet Adam’s exasperated face like he had so many times before. 

 

For the first time, Adam had left him standing in front of a closed door.

 

If Ronan had listened more carefully, he would have heard sniffling coming from the inside, he would have heard the broken sobs as he walked away. If he had heard anything over the sound of his mind rubbing in the defeat he felt, he would have known.

 

Instead, he kept walking, got inside his car, and drove off with no destination in mind. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the final chapter is going to be posted either on sunday or monday depending on how much time i have to write tomorrow! 
> 
> let me know what your thoughts were on this chapter and how angry i have made you lmao


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the final chapter! it is up a day later than i had planned for but i'm happy with how it turned out :)

Ronan stayed away from school the remaining days of the week. Instead, he spent his time either driving or at the Barns. He couldn’t face Adam, not after everything that had happened. It was already too much to think about the way he had been rejected, let alone see the person who still evoked the same feelings he had for a while now. Ronan couldn’t see Adam’s face without remembering how it had looked up close when Ronan could count the freckles dusting his skin. He couldn’t watch Adam smile at someone without remembering how it looked when it was directed at him; exasperated yet fond. It hurt too much.

 

The only reason he returned to Aglionby the next week was because Gansey had called him and begged him to go or he would be kicked off. Ronan was Gansey’s responsibility and Ronan knew it wasn’t fair to leave Gansey with even more of a mess to clean up. So, he went and got his heart ripped out the minute he entered the building.

 

Theodore was leaning against the lockers, one arm bracketed next to someone else’s head. A head with cropped hair that looked like it was cut with kitchen scissors. _Adam._

 

Ronan watched as Theodore moved closer and he suddenly felt sick to his stomach. As he drew closer he noticed how Adam looked slightly flustered while Theodore’s voice was suggestive and full of confidence.

 

“Are you sure?” Theodore asked, leaning forward to look deep into Adam’s eyes, the way Ronan had never dared to. Adam smiled and nodded.

 

The bell rang and Adam turned at the sound, eyes finding Ronan’s almost immediately. Ronan didn’t know what he saw in his face, whether Adam noticed the barely contained rage, the jealousy coiling low in his stomach, or the overwhelming feeling of pure agony that made Ronan slightly dizzy but Adam’s smile slid off his face immediately. 

 

Ronan walked away.

 

“Ronan!”

 

He didn’t turn around. 

 

Of course, Adam didn’t feel the same. He should have known better than to listen to Blue or the other women of Fox Way. He should have trusted his gut who told him that someone like Adam couldn’t love someone like him. Of course, Adam would go for clean-cut Theodore. The boy who is accepted into society with his politician smile that everybody but him at Aglionby seemed to have. Of course, Adam wouldn’t go for the boy who scared everybody away. He wanted to fit in and all he would ever do with Ronan was stand out like a beacon that shouted: “I’m an outcast!”. Adam deserved someone like Theodore and it was foolish to hope Adam would stoop low enough to think of Ronan as more than a friend.

 

Ronan shouldered passed Gansey who turned his head around to do a double-take and got into his car as fast as he could. He allowed himself to lean back and close his eyes for a second, just so he was calm enough to actually drive without instantly wrapping his car around a tree in his anger. He barely noticed the car door opening next to him until he felt fabric brushing his arms.

 

“Get the fuck out,” he said but it lacked the usual sharpness. He was just so damn tired.

 

“No,” came the response and Ronan didn’t expect anything else. Adam had always been a strong person. It’s what attracted Ronan at first; his ability to withstand any glare Ronan threw his way and look him in the eyes with a certain firmness that told him Adam was not going to change his mind so don’t even try. Lesser men cowered before him, but not Adam. Never Adam.

 

Ronan sighed, tearing his eyes away from Adam’s and focussing on the school building instead. “You’re gonna miss first period.”

 

“I know.” Ronan raised his eyebrows. Adam never missed classes, all of them too important to skip no matter how many time Ronan had tried to persuade him.

 

“Go inside, Parrish,” Ronan said, cocking his head towards the car door. “You can still make it.”

 

Adam shook his head. “I want to talk.”

 

“Oh,” Ronan snapped, “so now you want to talk? Why now, huh? We could have talked last week when I was knocking on your door and fucking begging you to let me in.”

 

Adam hung his head and he suddenly looked like he had before he got his magician powers. Distant but with a tinge of vulnerability that made Ronan’s heart clench. He looked like he was going to fall apart right there. Tired eyes turned to his and Adam mumbled a quiet yet clear “sorry” which wasn’t a word either of them used often. Most of their fights were resolved over time when they couldn’t remember what the fight was actually about and one of them said something to make the other person laugh and that was the end of it.

 

Ronan softened a bit at the apology. “I can come by later.”

 

He didn’t know why he suggested this. Maybe because Adam rarely ever expressed wanting anything. Maybe because Ronan couldn’t deny him, even if he tried, especially not when Adam was slumped over next to him, his head hanging in defeat. 

 

Adam made him weak.

 

“No,” Adam said quickly, shaking his head. “That’s not fair. I should come by Monmouth.”

 

“I don’t live alone,” Ronan reminded him. “It’s fine, Parrish. Just go, I’ll be there tonight.”

 

He felt Adam’s eyes flicker over his frame, his eyes searching for his but Ronan didn’t give in to the temptation to look. This was difficult enough as it was and seeing Adam this close again was going to make him combust. He already felt like a ticking time-bomb that was going to hurt everything in its range and one look at Adam would make him go off.

 

Eventually, Adam nodded to himself and stepped out of the car. Ronan turned the ignition and drove off, watching as Adam’s frame got smaller in his rearview mirror until he couldn’t see him anymore.

 

-

 

Adam was pacing in his apartment. Why Ronan had agreed to come, Adam didn’t know. It was unlike them to have real conversations with actual depth and it was even stranger that they were going to talk about emotions and feelings, things neither of them are good at. Ronan expressed his negative emotions through rage, through slamming doors and dents in walls. Adam kept every bad feeling inside until he felt like he couldn’t contain it anymore and then he allowed himself some time to cry and get it out of his system. But they never talked.

 

As Adam was waiting, he couldn’t help but picture the broken look on Ronan’s face that morning. It had hurt him to see Ronan this way, the pain clear in his features. Adam was used to seeing passed the aloofness and plain boredom Ronan liked to show instead. Somewhere, though, he was almost glad he wasn’t the only one who was hurting. It was a sadistic thought, but Adam hadn’t seen Ronan in a week and the agony of feeling him ripping apart from where he was so carefully woven into his life was threatening to drown him.

 

He didn’t even know what he was going to say. “Please, don’t leave me again _”_? That would be pathetic and Adam wasn’t and would never be pathetic. He felt it, though. The urge to beg Ronan to stay. To not leave him again without so much as a text. To hold his hand again because Adam had felt so cold without it. All things Adam wished he was brave enough to say, but knew he really wasn’t.

 

This time when Ronan knocked, Adam didn’t hesitate before opening the door. He couldn’t have a repeat of what happened the last time Ronan stood on the other side. He hadn’t forgiven himself for that encounter and he doubted he ever would, but he couldn’t stop crying and he didn’t want Ronan to see him like that. Weak. Pathetic. If there was even a small chance of Ronan liking him back, it would have been ruined at the sight of his wet face and red nose. He fucked it up anyway, though, and Adam doubted he could fix it but he had to try. Just one more time.

 

“Thanks for coming,” Adam said quietly, opening the door further to let Ronan in. Ronan merely nodded and stepped inside, standing still in the middle of the room as if he had forgotten why he was even there in the first place. Adam scraped his throat and motioned to the bed but Ronan shook his head and kept standing instead. Adam placed himself in front of him, not willing to back down.

 

“Say something.”

 

“You’re the one who wanted to talk, Parrish,” Ronan said simply. “So talk.”

 

Adam ran his hands through his hair and bit his lip, a nervous habit he had picked up on lately. His hair was in constant disarray, even worse than it was before and his lips were red and bruised from biting it too much. Adam let the pain ground him and looked up to face Ronan.

 

He was beautiful. He had always been beautiful, though at first Adam was willing to ignore that and focus on his asshole tendencies instead. Now, however, with the last rays of sunlight hitting his cheekbones, casting shadows over the rest of his face, making it even sharper and angular, Adam didn’t know how he could have ever ignored this. He wanted to touch him and nearly reached out to do so before he remembered that he couldn’t.

 

“You were gone for a week,” Adam said. It wasn’t what he had planned on saying but right now, he couldn’t even remember the words he had rehearsed in the hours before Ronan finally arrived. 

 

Ronan raised his eyebrows. “I was.”

 

_I missed you._ “Why?”

 

“I think you know why,” Ronan answered, his eyes locked onto his own. The clear blue of his eyes was clouding, making it look more like a stormy grey in the shadows of the room. 

 

Adam looked away first. He had always prided himself on his ability to look in Ronan’s eyes without cowering away. Not many people could say that. Not many people could make Ronan look away either, but today Adam felt as pathetic as all of the others who had tried to stare Ronan down. His presence alone filled up the entire room and beyond it. Adam couldn’t breathe.

 

Ronan stepped closer. When Adam looked up he could see the concern in Ronan’s eyes even though he tried to hide it well. He hesitantly raised one hand and placed it on Adam’s shoulder, the touch feather-light. 

 

Adam’s breath hitched. 

 

“Parrish-“

 

“Why did you run away?” Adam asked suddenly, shocking Ronan into ripping his hand from Adam’s shoulder. Adam felt the loss in his bones.

 

“What?” Ronan asked incredulously.

 

“Today,” Adam clarified with poorly concealed impatience. “You saw me and you left.”

 

“I saw you with _Theodore_ ,” Ronan said through gritted teeth. “Getting a rebound a week after breaking up is pathetic, Parrish. You’re giving yourself a bad rep.”

 

“A rebound?!” Adam practically yelled. 

 

“I mean, it was _fake_ ,” Ronan said that word with the utmost distaste. “But the others don’t know that.”

 

Adam wanted to scream. He wanted to shake Ronan until he was starting to make sense. He wanted to stop the world from spinning. He wanted, he _wanted_.

 

Ronan.

 

But he couldn’t. He wasn’t worthy. So, he went for the next best thing. Making him angry so he made the choice for them.

 

“What’s it to you?” Adam asked cooly, fixing Ronan with a raised eyebrow. “So what if Theodore and I are together. You’re right. It was fake. It shouldn’t matter.”

 

“But it does!” Ronan yelled. His chest was heaving, his hands balled in fists, pressed to his sides firmly. “It does,” he said again, this time softly, his voice breaking and Adam’s heart with it.

 

“I said no,” Adam confessed, his eyes focussing on a crack in the wall. Anything to not look at Ronan. Because he couldn’t. Because he had to say it. He had to stop Ronan from hurting. 

 

Ronan didn’t say anything, so Adam kept talking. The words were falling out of his mouth. He had kept his feelings inside for too long and now there was no way of containing it. 

 

“Theodore did ask me out. I said no.”

 

“Why?” Ronan had moved closer, his voice a mere whisper. Adam couldn’t stop himself from looking up. Ronan’s eyes had always been made from impenetrable walls and little by little those had fallen away in Adam’s presence. Even now, in the midst of their biggest fight yet, one that could truly break them, Adam could see through them. He saw hurt and confusion, but there were little cracks of hope shining through. 

 

Adam wanted, so he did.

 

He closed one hand around Ronan’s neck, the way he had done the night of the party, and brought Ronan closer. Their breaths mingled, eyes searching each other, and despite Adam’s self-doubts, despite every time he had told himself there was no way Ronan would want him too, there was a reassurance in Ronan’s eyes that made him close his eyes and move forward.

 

“Adam,” Ronan whispered against his lips. Adam felt a thrill run up his spine and closed the distance.

 

Ronan’s lips met his hesitantly, the touch light and chaste, giving Adam every opportunity to pull away.

 

He pulled himself closer instead.

 

Adam tilted his head and deepened the kiss. He felt electricity running through his veins, his skin sparking at every point where Ronan touched it. He felt alive, so alive. He could do anything.

 

Adam distantly wondered if this is how Ronan felt after pulling something out of his dreams. God-like. But those thoughts were quickly fading to the back of his mind as he felt the wet press of Ronan’s tongue in his mouth. Adam’s gasped which only urged Ronan on.

  
Somehow, Adam went from standing to lying underneath Ronan, gasping as he softly kissed his neck. Adam put his hands on Ronan’s jaw, fingers tracing his cheeks and brought him up to eye-level.

 

“Does this mean you like me?” Adam asked, half-joking and half-serious. He had to know. He couldn’t give himself to Ronan now if it only meant hurting again. It had to be real this time.

 

“For a genius, you’re pretty thick, Adam,” Ronan laughed breathily, stroking away some hair that had fallen in front of Adam’s eyes.

 

“Ronan-“

 

“Yes,” Ronan rolled his eyes but smiled down at him fondly. “This means I like you.”

 

Adam kissed him slow and deep this time, pulling him closer and closer. He knew there were things they still needed to talk about and issues to work on. They had to tell the others one time and explain this entire messed up situation they had worked themselves in. They were going to have to learn how to be together for real this time. But, for now, he just wanted to focus on the warm press of Ronan’s body against his, how their lips moved together as if they had been doing it for years. For now, he just wanted to get lost in Ronan and forget everything else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope i ended it satisfactory enough. i really tried my best. let me know what you thought of the last chapter <3

**Author's Note:**

> I appreciate every kudos and comment that you have to spare! I would love to hear what you think of it!


End file.
